That Damn Grief

Grief is a sneaky little animal. It doesn't follow any rules or guidelines. It sure doesn't care if I am "all good" or not. I will be going along, minding my own business, happy go lucky, and carefree. I wasn't feeling sad before it arrived and nothing definitive happened .... I didn't see or didn't feel it coming, then all the sudden OUCH! That crap hurts! It doesn't really make sense most of the time. I just really want it to go away.

Today, I didn't ask for this grief. It just came all by itself. It's kind of like a snake - no one really wants it around, most are terrified of it, and the bite hurts!! Of course I hate snakes about as much as I hate being sad, so it fits.

 I have been preparing to give a talk about my husband's experience and how we all walked with him through that. I listened to a CD of the last sermon he ever gave - it had answers and perspective I needed for my talk. I spent the day at an oncology conference where Melanoma was a key topic.  And to top it off, I ended the day listening to a physician talk about targeted therapy and Melanoma… And then I realized that this particular physician was one of the team that took care of my Kevin when he was receiving chemo in Houston. I had to go verify it was

him asking,

"Were you at MD Anderson from 2009-2010?" 

"Yes." 

I knew it. 

"You took care of my husband under his primary physician… "

He remembered Kevin. I asked a few questions, we talked a little bit, and then I left. 

On the way home from the conference, that damn snake was hiding under my drivers seat. It bit me about 10 miles down the road and I lost my shit completely.

Why? I opened the door to those memories. The good and the bad. Most of the time I talk about Kevin and people say, "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" and I end up making them feel better. I'm not 'over it' but I just have learned that the more I talk, the less the bite hurts.

In all reality it doesn't really matter where it came from or why it came. The fact is that I have to take another uphill walk to get through it. 

When Kevin first passed away, although I was very prepared for it coming, I remember thinking to myself,

 "I don't know if I can feel this. I don't know if I can feel this feeling… I think I'm going to die from this grief." I know that sounds so silly, but I had never felt a pain like that. I've had grandparents die, friends die, pets die… We all lose people. But losing your partner or losing a child is awful. It's just unexplainable… Once it happens to you, which I don't wish on anybody, then what I'm speaking of all makes sense. I reached out for every book or CD that would relate with how I felt just so I could see what they did to get through it. I remember after about three months thinking, "okay, I can do this." So after 3-1/2 years, it totally sneaks up on me. And adding to those feelings I am experiencing today, is the conflict of loving one and grieving another - it is a weird conundrum. 

So for today I can only be so strong… Through tears, pain, and suffering, I expose what I feel to be weakness. It sucks and I hate it and I want to be superwoman all the time. But that's just not realistic. And on the other side of this weakness is where my strength comes from.