That Damn Grief

Grief is a sneaky little animal. It doesn't follow any rules or guidelines. It sure doesn't care if I am "all good" or not. I will be going along, minding my own business, happy go lucky, and carefree. I wasn't feeling sad before it arrived and nothing definitive happened .... I didn't see or didn't feel it coming, then all the sudden OUCH! That crap hurts! It doesn't really make sense most of the time. I just really want it to go away.

Today, I didn't ask for this grief. It just came all by itself. It's kind of like a snake - no one really wants it around, most are terrified of it, and the bite hurts!! Of course I hate snakes about as much as I hate being sad, so it fits.

 I have been preparing to give a talk about my husband's experience and how we all walked with him through that. I listened to a CD of the last sermon he ever gave - it had answers and perspective I needed for my talk. I spent the day at an oncology conference where Melanoma was a key topic.  And to top it off, I ended the day listening to a physician talk about targeted therapy and Melanoma… And then I realized that this particular physician was one of the team that took care of my Kevin when he was receiving chemo in Houston. I had to go verify it was

him asking,

"Were you at MD Anderson from 2009-2010?" 

"Yes." 

I knew it. 

"You took care of my husband under his primary physician… "

He remembered Kevin. I asked a few questions, we talked a little bit, and then I left. 

On the way home from the conference, that damn snake was hiding under my drivers seat. It bit me about 10 miles down the road and I lost my shit completely.

Why? I opened the door to those memories. The good and the bad. Most of the time I talk about Kevin and people say, "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" and I end up making them feel better. I'm not 'over it' but I just have learned that the more I talk, the less the bite hurts.

In all reality it doesn't really matter where it came from or why it came. The fact is that I have to take another uphill walk to get through it. 

When Kevin first passed away, although I was very prepared for it coming, I remember thinking to myself,

 "I don't know if I can feel this. I don't know if I can feel this feeling… I think I'm going to die from this grief." I know that sounds so silly, but I had never felt a pain like that. I've had grandparents die, friends die, pets die… We all lose people. But losing your partner or losing a child is awful. It's just unexplainable… Once it happens to you, which I don't wish on anybody, then what I'm speaking of all makes sense. I reached out for every book or CD that would relate with how I felt just so I could see what they did to get through it. I remember after about three months thinking, "okay, I can do this." So after 3-1/2 years, it totally sneaks up on me. And adding to those feelings I am experiencing today, is the conflict of loving one and grieving another - it is a weird conundrum. 

So for today I can only be so strong… Through tears, pain, and suffering, I expose what I feel to be weakness. It sucks and I hate it and I want to be superwoman all the time. But that's just not realistic. And on the other side of this weakness is where my strength comes from. 

Everyone has a story

Those words were so offensive the first time I heard them. I was stressing and complaining to the doctor about my work, my kid responsibilities, and my husband's cancer diagnosis. I needed this surgeon to understand my life and make things easier for me. "Everyone has a story," he said.

What? Wait, WHAT? Don't you understand? My husband is sick and I have to make him and everyone else okay! Can't you help me?! You should help me!!   I was brutally offended that my story wasn't the most tragic of the day and that he wasn't going to stop, drop, and rearrange everything for me.

Now fast forward 7 years. That job is gone, only one kid left in the house, and cancer won.  But I still remember those words. Why? It's because everyone DOES have a story. After to coming to know this surgeon over time, what he actually meant was, "I have heard it all and you're not special". He didn't know how profound his words were to me even he is not!

I have met those who say, "I don't think I could have gone through what you have." And then there are those I look at and think to myself - look what all they have endured. I don't have it bad at all. Everyone has a story that they have feelings about. And those feelings are valid! It doesn't matter what the story is - it's YOUR story and you and the feelings you have around it matter. If the worst thing that ever happened to you is a breakup in high school, then thank your lucky stars. But, that pain was real and it hurt! And it's part of your story.

So the challenge is to take what we have learned within our story to be better, to help others, to grow, to get stronger. There will always be additions to our story ... I welcome them. They have made me who I am today - a tough broad with a giant heart.  I am grateful for the pain and suffering, the heartaches and heartbreaks, the losses and the gains (ok not the weight gains!)  If I don't have the challenges, I become stale like stagnant water.

Think about how stagnant water occurs when the water stops flowing. It becomes a breeding ground for bacteria and parasites.  You can't drink from it. It can become a health hazard. No one wants to be near it because of the infestations of mosquitos and other irritants and it stinks like hell! It needs to be drained where it stands still and refilled with fresh and clean running water.

I want the running water. I want the fresh and clean smell it provides. I want the new life that flows within it ... I want the crazy crap that happens and the silly laughs. I want tipsy girl nights and the intense boyfriend fights; I want teenage hormones and work frustrations. I want dysfunctional family drama and those quiet times alone. I want to keep dancing in public and creating my new love story.

I want to keep adding to my story ... I want to keep telling my story.  I want to help others inspire with their story. Everyone has a story to tell. Own yours - it has been entrusted to only you!